My flight to Europe does not leave until August 23 but it feels like my pilgrimage and the associated learnings have begun. Over the past few days I have been sending a message to friends and family telling about my decision to leave La Grande and to go on a pilgrimage. In it, I asked for their support in the form of a letter that I can open while on my pilgrimage. I didn’t expect the response that I am receiving and I am still trying to process how it is affecting me.
I have received many words of encouragement, promises of letters, poetry, and also several offers of places to stay in my future homelessness. I even received a promise of work to allow me to “earn my keep” and an offer of financial support if I ever need it. Many of the messages included some reference to my courage and an appreciation for the steps that I am taking. Frankly, I don’t know what to do with these expressions of support and friendship. I am gratified and a bit embarrassed and concerned by my instinctive desire to want to grasp these and to use them to increase my sense of self-importance and my ego.
Receiving a gift with grace and gratitude is a skill, I am realizing. The old saying is that “it is more blessed to give than to receive”; I am realizing that giving is also much more comfortable. There is vulnerability in receiving that triggers some feelings of shame in me. I should be able to take care of myself and not need any help – at least this is what that voice in my head seems to think. And yet, I know the joy in giving, having recently been actively engaged in giving away books, my CD collection and much of my furniture and clothes and household stuff. I love the feeling of freedom in letting go of this stuff and also the joy in knowing that someone else will use it and value it. While I know that there can be no givers without receivers, I find it difficult and uncomfortable to let go of the control of a giver and to simply accept.
The notion of living in a gift economy is very appealing to me but, as I venture deeper into it, I am becoming aware of some deeper resistant I hold toward it. There is an old, old discourse within me that says I need to earn my way in life. It is closely connected to my discourse about not deserving what I am given. And then there is a third witch telling me that every gift brings an accompanying obligation that I am inadequate to repay. Yuck! With all this going on in my head, it is no wonder that I am so uncomfortable being on the receiving end of generosity.
I imagine the process of giving and receiving to be similar to breathing – it’s not healthy or sustainable to do more of one than the other. Inhale and receive with gratitude; exhale and let go with generosity. I am so blessed and privileged to be on this journey and I know that I could not be doing it without the gifts of health and supportive friends and so much more. So, I hope that I can walk with humility and gratitude and generosity and that my journey can be in service of something greater than myself.
It is my intention to use this blog as a way of sharing some of my reflections and learnings along the way. Perhaps this can be one of my ways of exhaling and of expressing my gratitude.
Follow
6 Responses to Camino Reflection #1