June 25, 2015 Tui Spain

Sometimes it seems like life is insistent upon reminding me of my calling to hold space for pain. And I wonder what this means. What am I to do when I encounter someone in pain?

Yesterday I had three electronic encounters with friends who were struggling. From feeling heavy with the cares if life to resisting the urge to re-engage in an unsatisfying relationship to feeling so outside the “normal” world as to question her sanity. From my perspective, each of these painful experiences are emotional responses to healthy and courageous decisions to live life more fully and not to settle for normal. And yet, those courageous decisions have consequences. The road less traveled can be a lonely one and swimming upstream against normalcy can be so tiring.

Today I heard from another friend who has made a similar choice to step out into the unknown and to discover how her gifts can serve the world. In addition to her own struggles she also shared with me about the divisiveness in her former place of employment, a place that I know and have worked with and that I care about. Key leaders have been forced out and there are deep personal and organizational wounds that will likely never heal.

So I was walking today with all of this on my heart while also feeling the warmth of the sun and reveling in the beauty of nature. And as if there were not enough pain and sadness to carry… “There is more here to pay attention to” – at least that is what I think the universe was trying to tell me. I was passed suddenly on an empty road by a bright red electric motor scooter- it alone was enough to get my attention. It pulled off the road a couple hundred meters ahead of me and I could see the young woman rider talking on a mobile phone. As I got close it became obvious that she was in despair, crying loudly. My heart was deeply touched. I felt it open and embrace this stranger. Without words, without even eye contact, I connected with her pain without any idea of its source.

Not far down the Camino, I came upon a simple capela that was open (an unusual occurrence) so I took advantage of the opportunity to meditate. During my meditation my mind kept wandering back to the woman on the motorbike. What was mine to do in that situation? Was there anything I could have said to her? Of course not! My Portuguese would not be helpful in any situation. What if I had made eye contact or sat down nearby to visibly hold space? Would this have done anything more than cause discomfort over a creepy old man showing unwanted attention? I don’t accept that this was none of my concern. I could not not see her and I could not prevent my heart from being touched (it seems that a more open heart is a symptom of the Camino for me). Is this enough? Is it part of the role of a “sacred outsider” to “just” witness and to feel pain? If so, what difference does it make? Does it make any difference? Does it matter if it makes a difference? Is my concern with doing and making a difference and mattering – is this all attempts by my ego to make this about me?

As usual, I don’t have answers to these questions but I do feel like I have a deeper understanding of what it means to be a sacred outsider and a pilgrim. I can’t say how or why but I know that this practice of walking, of opening my heart and feeling pain of others is what I am called to do. It is a part of the gift of who I am and it contributes in some unknowable way to a more peaceful and loving world. I can’t explain it but I believe it and I intend to continue to practice living with more openness. To be able to feel deeply is a gift and one that I was ignorant of for many years. So I am so grateful to be able to feel and to practice now.

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