“If we are able to give ourselves to the loss, to move toward it – rather than recoil in an effort to escape, deny, distract or obscure – our wounded hearts become full, and out of that fullness we will do things differently, and we will do different things. Our loss, our wound, is precious to us because it can wake us up to love, and to loving action.” Norman Fischer, Zen Teacher
When I read this quote this morning, it really resonated with me. This week is the first anniversary of my leaving CHD and as I write this I realize that it is also the anniversary of some other very significant events in my life. These include my moving out on my own after twenty five years of marriage and the ending of Spring Street House when we merged with Union County Mental Health in 1981.
A friend asked me what I meant when I told her that I was feeling the impact of this first anniversary from CHD. The answer, I think, is contained in the quote. I feel the loss and the accompanying sadness of each of these endings even as the intensity diminishes some over time. But the sadness is not regret or a wishing to return or a questioning of my choices.
Is there such a thing as a happy sadness? If so, that is at least part of my experience. The sadness reminds me of what I value – relationships, the sense of belonging to something bigger than myself, the opportunity for creativity, learning and challenge. It makes me grateful for the blessings that I have experienced and for the knowledge of having been awakened by love.
I feel grateful for having a heart that is capable of being broken open and for the experiences that have taught me that life does go on with a broken heart. And I am grateful that by being broken open, a heart becomes bigger and capable of holding even more. So, with the sense of loss and sadness that I feel in looking back during this season of anniversaries, I also feel a calling to move into the future with all of the gifts and capacities acquired thus far on this journey, prepared to live fully, to love and to let go of what I love.
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