Camino Reflection #6

The short story of my experience at the Learning Village is that I arrived Sunday evening, was invited to join the hosting team, became sick with the stomach flu by Monday morning and remained sick until Thursday. Following is a reflection that I wrote on Thursday morning and completed while in Paris.

It is early – 4am – and for some reason I am awake and so full of thoughts and feelings that I want to express, process and harvest. I want to be able to let go of those thoughts that do not serve me and to integrate what can serve.

This has been an amazing Learning Village, far more than I had dared to hope or expect and also very different from what I had imagined. Getting sick was so not part of my plan and yet it was a gift that allowed deeper learning and experience.. It feels like I have learned so much more from not attending the myriad open space session than I could have if I had participated.

I couldn’t have imagined being invited onto the hosting team for this gathering. My desire for inclusion and belonging has been satisfied and I am so grateful. And then I couldn’t earn this status or justify it by my contributions. I had that familiar feeling of being an imposter. My ego clung to the title and the prestige (at least in my mind) and I felt like I was letting down my team.

The gift in this was the invitation into vulnerability, of asking for help and then allowing myself to receive the kindness and caring that was offered.. The beauty of this experience was that I could not control my responses. I didn’t have the strength or energy. So I could only respond instinctually with patterns of thinking and behaving that revealed my essence and reflected the inner work I have been doing. This was my next test; not for a black belt, but similarly challenging. I was prepared for this test. My “muscle memory” took over and I acted with authenticity and intention. I was able to receive with grace and gratitude and I showed up in whatever ways I was able with all that I had. I allowed my vulnerability to be a gift to the village and to inform our learning about how a village hosts healing. And I was amazed to discover that these subtle contributions were recognized and appreciated,

Last night I heard some discourse about inclusion and belonging surfacing in the community. I was surprised and delighted to realize that this long-standing issue has not been part of my experience this week. I hope that the reason for this is not that I have attained “in group” status and become blind to the pain that this issue causes for people within the Art of Hosting community. I want to be part of making inclusion and belonging available to everyone and not to maintain my sense of belonging at the expense of others.

My longing to belong feels like it has been a bottomless pit. As much as I value my independence and fight to preserve it, there remains a lonely little boy inside me who is standing on the edge waiting to be invited in. I’ve developed a lot of defenses to protect this little boy and to pretend not to care when I feel on the outside. Yet, the desire to belong and to be included is a powerful part of my being and it seems to be a part that gets activated by the intimacy of each Art of Hosting gathering. So for years I have been wanting to find y way in and operating on the delusion that I needed to earn this place of belonging.

Something shifted for me during this learning village. At least for awhile, I felt like I belonged! I was invited onto the hosting team and I was surrounded by love and caring even while I was sick and vulnerable and unable to participate in the ways that I wanted. In my vulnerability, I experienced belonging.

As part of my striving to belong in the AoH community, I have been jealous of the “old-timers” and the legendary early conversations of Borl Castle. On Thursday I had the opportunity to visit Borl with Toke and Luke – some of the ultimate AOH insiders in my story. When I awoke that morning, I knew that my place was in the Learning Village and my role was to host the day.. This is where I wanted to be of service and this is where the work was calling to me. Castle Borl can remain mythical for me. I have traveled within a few miles of it and need not go further. There is real work to be done with gratitude and generosity and I don’t need to do it to earn my place of belonging. That is a gift that cannot be earned.

This reflection feels very self-centered. I am currently only able to process this as my own personal journey, yet I know that there are some more universal themes involved and I hope in time to be able to see this from the perspective of the deeper universal patterns of belonging and inclusion. Meanwhile, I am so grateful for my own little learnings.

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