Camino Reflection #4

Posted on August 19, 2012 by Steve

Yesterday I left La Grande, my home for the past 37 and half years.  I turned in my keys and hit the road with a huge sense of freedom and possibility.  This morning, I went to prison and consulted the guys there who really are experts on the meaning of freedom.  It was gratifying to receive their blessings for my journey and their best wishes despite their confinement.

So, I have been contemplating what this new freedom and looking for a way of describing it.  According the census bureau I am now officially homeless but it doesn’t really feel respectful of the millions of people whose homelessness is not voluntary and whose experiences are painful and heart-breaking.  In aikido, we call it rondori, a practice of spontaneously responding to multiple attackers.  In my meditation practice, I’ve heard it referred to as groundlessness – the experience of being with the vividness of the present moment with nothing certain to hang onto.   Letting go of my attachments to career and community and home and possessions is a practice in discovering my authentic self that had become buried beneath all these ways of defining myself.

One of my favorite metaphors for this journey comes from the participatory leadership practice of Open Space Technology.  The four principles of Open Space are:

  • Whoever comes is the right people.
  • Whatever happens is the only thing that could have.
  • Whenever it starts is the right time.
  • When it’s over it’s over.

My journey really is one of living in open space with the intention of learning and service.  It is about discovering what is possible if I can let go of my plans and expectations and embrace what life has to offer without grasping or avoiding.  And so, I am reflecting on how the principles of open space can illuminate my journey.

Whoever comes is the right people is a reminder to appreciate the gifts and uniqueness of each person I meet on the way.  My final weeks in La Grande have been provided repeated reminders of this.  I have been surprised, humbled and very grateful for conversations I have experienced as I said my goodbyes.  If I had realized sooner the potential for deep and meaningful connections, I might not have felt the need to leave to find this.  Why did we have to wait until I was leaving to express our feelings for each other and to realize the potential for deeper connection?  On the camino, I want to practice curiosity and openness and to learn to connect with whoever shows up in my life each day.

Whatever happens is the only thing that could have.  So, I really don’t need to expend my life energy in scheming and planning and thinking that I have to have everything figured out.  And there is no room for regret.  This principle is a challenge for me to accept whatever comes, whatever happens, without trying to change it or make it better and without imagining another way.  Just be with the gift of each moment.

Whenever it starts is the right time.  This is the reminder that the journey has already begun.  If I focus on the Camino de Santiago as my pilgrimage, I could miss out of the richness of the Global Learning Village and my visit with friends in Germany and my first time in Paris.  But the journey doesn’t even begin when I get on the plane.  The journey has begun.  The past few months of packing, shedding, preparations and saying goodbyes – that, too, is the journey and it has been a rich time of learning and sharing.  Nothing is gained by paying attention to the calendar and anticipating the coming journey.  It has begun and it is unfolding in each precious moment and interaction.

When it’s over it’s over. Nothing lasts forever and so the challenge is not to waste time.  I feel so fortunate and blessed to be able to be on this journey at this time.  I have the gift of health and supportive relationships and the freedom to go where the path leads.  This may not always be possible and when I look back I don’t want to regret what I was not wise enough or courageous enough to experience.

So, I am leaping into open space, with the energy of “YES”, curious and excited to discover what life has in store for me.  As I walk this journey, I want to remember that I am doing this for more than just myself.  Over and over, people have told me that I am doing this for them or that I am taking a part of them with me or that they want to share in the learnings.  So, I go with a desire to share my experiences and my learnings.  This is the calling that I hear and am responding to right now.  Who knows where it will lead?

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Nectarine Soup

Posted on August 5, 2012 by Steve

The Santa Fe Chilled Nectarine Soup was a real hit at the going away celebration Friday night –  almost as sweet and savory as the friendships and conversations and the awareness of my impending departure.  With a dedication of gratitude to Dorene, Tim, Sarah, Jan, Teresa, Sue and Peter, here is the recipe:

8 small fresh nectarines, cut up (2 pounds)
1 cup apple juice
1 cup cran-raspberry juice
½ teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes
1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar
¼ cup fresh cilantro leaves
Combine nectarines with juices, salt, pepper flakes and vinegar in electric blender.  Whirl until smooth and blended.  Add cilantro leaves and whirl in stop-and-go fashion for a few seconds just to chop.  Serve chilled.

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The Life We Have Planned ~ Joseph Campbell

Posted on August 4, 2012 by Steve

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.

~ Joseph Campbell

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Camino Reflection #3

Posted on July 28, 2012 by Steve

I am not yet on the Camino Santiago, but the journey has certainly begun and I am delighted by the learnings that are showing up.  This week a light bulb came on for me in aikido – one of those light bulbs that has has relevance for life’s journey as much as it does in the aikido dojo.

In rondori – a free-style practice of responding to one or more attackers – my Sensei has been telling me for years to move before the attacker grabs or hits me.  “Yes, but…”, the voice in my head would always say.  How would I know which direction to move before I see how I am being attacked?  So, I kept trying to move more quickly as I determined what the attacker was doing.  And the more I tried to move fast, the more I would grab and try to force something.

This week, I found myself moving ahead of the attack and discovered myself on the “wrong” side of the attack.  And then, all of a sudden the light bulb went off as I realized that there is no right or wrong side.  As I have been learning specific techniques, there are appropriate relationships that make them possible but the wrong relationship for one technique is right for another one.  So, if I can let go of my preconceived ideas of what technique I want to perform and just move in any direction, something will be available to me. 

Wow!  What a concept – just move, trust, and let things happen.  This means learning to trust in my skill and ability to respond to whatever relationship emerges from my movement and my partner’s attack.  It means letting go of my plans, initiating my movement and then going with the flow.  In so doing, the concept of initiator and responder disappears and what emerges is flow, a dance.

“Move sooner.  Move before he grabs you.”  I have heard these words over and over for six and a half years and even though they never really made sense to me, they have become part of my unconscious.  What I realize is that I was not able to follow these directions until I developed enough basic techniques and until I began to learn henka waza (continuing technique).  I love to play with the concept of “you can’t get there from here” as I travel through life.  Of course, you can get anywhere, sometimes it just takes a longer and more difficult route.  Henka waza is the application of this in aikido.  By continuing to move and to change the relationships, a skilled practitioner can get to any technique.  And an even more skilled practitioner learns that there is no destination, there is no technique to try to get to; it is all a journey and a dance.

I feel so grateful for this new learning and it feels so timely and relevant for me as I set off on a new journey.  My decision to move from my home in La Grande without a clear sense of where I will be settling is moving ahead of the attacker.  It is about initiating movement without knowing where it will lead.  It is about living life without preconceptions and fixed plans, about flowing with what emerges instead of trying to impose my plans upon life.  It is about learning to trust my ability to spontaneously respond to what emerges and even to dance with life instead of fighting to make it conform to my plans.  This ability to trust needs to be grounded in lots of practice in the basic techniques and rooted in an intention to protect life.  In all of this, I am continually learning the importance of shutting off my rational, calculating, scheming mind and of trusting a deeper intelligence.

I’ve heard it said that becoming a black belt in a martial art means having attained enough skill in the basic techniques to be ready to begin the real training and the discovery of the deeper meaning of the practices.  With this latest discovery, I can feel this to be true.  What was once an absurd concept of moving before the attack is now becoming an exciting real possibility for living life. 

 

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Camino Reflection #2

Posted on July 24, 2012 by Steve

What is going on with me?  I am in my last weeks of life in La Grande, the completion of a huge chapter of my life, almost 38 years!  Shouldn’t I be reflecting more upon the emotional aspects of this transition?  Shouldn’t I be diving deeply into the experience of completion and letting go and preparation for living in the open space of my coming pilgrimage?  Instead, I find myself immersed in financial planning, giving notice to my landlord, sorting my socks, and going on treasure hunts for perfect packing boxes – immersed in the busyness of my external world.  This is not how I who I want to be.  I imagine myself living deeply, drinking deeply from the experiences of life and discovering their deeper meanings.  Meanwhile, I can’t seem to get enough sleep so my soul must be doing some heavy lifting of its own during the ten hours or so per night that I let go of the conscious world.

My intention for my journey is to be accepting of what life offers and to allow myself to flow with life’s currents instead of fighting against them.  I imagine this to be a learning journey in discovering gentleness and patience and in letting go of that persistent voice of judgment telling me that I am not doing enough.  Of course, the journey has already begun whether or not I realize it.  My current experience is providing as much opportunity for learning as my time on the camino will. 

Yesterday our HHS Community of Practice monthly call focused on the question of how we are hosting ourselves and attending to our internal life.  I expressed my frustration with my current external focus and was reminded by my friend, Kathy, that I will have lots of time for reflection while walking a 500 mile pilgrimage.  Duh!!  So maybe for now I can just be patient with myself as I deal with all the details that will help to make the pilgrimage possible.  Maybe I can be gentle with myself as I let go of the myriad of attachments to stuff that I have nurtured for so many years.  As I let go of each possession, I feel a bit lighter but the letting go is difficult work.  How could this be any different? 

With each box I pack to give away, I let go of another attachment.  With each box I pack for storage, I acknowledge an attachment that I’m not yet ready to let go of and for which I will continue to pay the price until I am ready.  But for now, the much of the emotional impact of this struggle is going on below the surface of my consciousness.  And that’s ok!  In my impatience, I want to examine the process and to watch and understand the changes as they are happening in my psyche.  I imagine that a new being is growing within me like a fetus in a pregnant woman.  When the time is right, it will be born; until that time, any attempts to see it and play with it are not only unproductive, they are dangerous. 

For now, my work is on the external, practical, material level.  By doing this work well with mindfulness and care, I am creating the conditions for the internal work to happen.  And then, in the proper season, the fruits of this work will become apparent.

 

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Beannacht / Blessing ~ John Donahue

Posted on July 6, 2012 by Steve

Thank you Michelle Murton for this beautiful John O’Donahue blessing for my pilgrimage:

On the day when
The weight deadens
On your shoulders
And you stumble,
May the clay dance
To balance you.

And when your eyes
Freeze behind
The grey window
And the ghost of loss
Gets into you,
May a flock of colours,
Indigo, red, green
And azure blue,
Come to awaken in you
A meadow of delight.

When the canvas frays
In the currach of thought
And a stain of ocean
Blackens beneath you,
May there come across the waters
A path of yellow moonlight
To bring you safely home.

May the nourishment of the earth be yours,
May the clarity of light be yours,
May the fluency of the ocean be yours,
May the protection of the ancestors be yours.

And so may a slow
Wind work these words
Of love around you,
An invisible cloak
To mind your life.

~John O’Donahue

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Sometimes a Man ~ Rilke

Posted on July 6, 2012 by Steve

Sometimes a man stands up during supper
and walks outdoors, and keeps on walking,
because of a church that stands somewhere in the East.

And his children say blessings on him as if he were dead.

And another man, who remains inside his own house,
dies there, inside the dishes and in the glasses,
so that his children have to go far out into the world
toward that same church which he forgot.

~ Rainer Maria Rilke

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Camino Reflection #1

Posted on July 4, 2012 by Steve

My flight to Europe does not leave until August 23 but it feels like my pilgrimage and the associated learnings have begun. Over the past few days I have been sending a message to friends and family telling about my decision to leave La Grande and to go on a pilgrimage. In it, I asked for their support in the form of a letter that I can open while on my pilgrimage. I didn’t expect the response that I am receiving and I am still trying to process how it is affecting me.

I have received many words of encouragement, promises of letters, poetry, and also several offers of places to stay in my future homelessness. I even received a promise of work to allow me to “earn my keep” and an offer of financial support if I ever need it. Many of the messages included some reference to my courage and an appreciation for the steps that I am taking. Frankly, I don’t know what to do with these expressions of support and friendship. I am gratified and a bit embarrassed and concerned by my instinctive desire to want to grasp these and to use them to increase my sense of self-importance and my ego.

Receiving a gift with grace and gratitude is a skill, I am realizing. The old saying is that “it is more blessed to give than to receive”; I am realizing that giving is also much more comfortable. There is vulnerability in receiving that triggers some feelings of shame in me. I should be able to take care of myself and not need any help – at least this is what that voice in my head seems to think. And yet, I know the joy in giving, having recently been actively engaged in giving away books, my CD collection and much of my furniture and clothes and household stuff. I love the feeling of freedom in letting go of this stuff and also the joy in knowing that someone else will use it and value it. While I know that there can be no givers without receivers, I find it difficult and uncomfortable to let go of the control of a giver and to simply accept.

The notion of living in a gift economy is very appealing to me but, as I venture deeper into it, I am becoming aware of some deeper resistant I hold toward it. There is an old, old discourse within me that says I need to earn my way in life. It is closely connected to my discourse about not deserving what I am given. And then there is a third witch telling me that every gift brings an accompanying obligation that I am inadequate to repay. Yuck! With all this going on in my head, it is no wonder that I am so uncomfortable being on the receiving end of generosity.

I imagine the process of giving and receiving to be similar to breathing – it’s not healthy or sustainable to do more of one than the other. Inhale and receive with gratitude; exhale and let go with generosity. I am so blessed and privileged to be on this journey and I know that I could not be doing it without the gifts of health and supportive friends and so much more. So, I hope that I can walk with humility and gratitude and generosity and that my journey can be in service of something greater than myself.

It is my intention to use this blog as a way of sharing some of my reflections and learnings along the way.  Perhaps this can be one of my ways of exhaling and of expressing my gratitude.

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Living in the Gift ~ Charles Eisenstein

Posted on July 4, 2012 by Steve

As I prepare to let go of much of my sense of security and to step more deeply into the Gift Economy, I am very grateful to the wisdom that I have gained from the work of Charles Eisenstein.  His books, The Ascent of Humanity and Sacred Economics have both been inspirational in helping me to imagine a different way of being in which security is found in relationships and work is about giving ones gifts to the world.

The following video is talk by Charles that provides a much quicker introduction to the gift economy than his two rather long books.

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Aikido Reflection from July 2009

Posted on July 3, 2012 by Steve

Exhausted. And pleased. There is energy tingling in my hands and feet even while my core feels heavy. I am curious about how I am reacting, what sense to make of it, how to embrace this as an opportunity for learning. How to welcome this experience and learning to soften me and to become less self-absorbed?

Aikido was a big learning and a big test for me tonight. It was not a kyu exam but maybe it was a bigger and more important test than my anticipated brown belt test. Sensei threw an atemi in the form of verbal feedback. I noticed my habitual reaction to constrict and to become ashamed and self-judgmental when he told me that some students had left the dojo at least partially because of their reactions to my resistance. I was flooded by all of my old messages about doing it right and about being a problem and about “everyone” else talking about me without my awareness. And to make it all the worse, it was in reaction to my rigid, competitive, defensive, constricted habit patterns that I want so badly to change. Three years of practice and work in aikido and there was a sense of being back at square one. Will I ever change? Will I never change? All of that passed through my mind as my first instinctual response, my first instinctive defense.

But there was a difference tonight. I noticed. I was aware. I recognized a choice point. I could have closed down in self-criticism and discouragement. But I also had other choices available to me. I could allow myself to hear the rest of what Sensei was telling me and I could recognize that I was getting this feedback because I was ready to hear it, because I was becoming a senior student. Somehow I have come this far despite all of my obstacles and challenges. I also recognized and heard Sensei say that I am not really responsible for how those other students reacted and the choices they made. That was their learning and it was part of their test at the time. I was a student – I am a student of life – doing the best that I could at the time. I can’t expect any more of myself than that. I wear a white belt for a reason. It acts as a warning for others that I am a student (beware! Student driver behind the wheel) and it serves as a reminder to me that I am a student with a lot to learn. And in the dojo it is a reminder that it is Sensei’s responsibility to protect others from my blindness and lack of skill. I wish that I had a Sensei in all areas of life to offer such protection. But maybe life itself provides this. I am willing to declare my white belt and to open myself to learn; maybe I need to learn to trust life itself, my ultimate teacher, to provide the safety and container for learning.

So, as I observed my choices and watched the old patterns of reactivity, self-judgment and defensiveness flash before me, I also had enough presence to just let them go like the unsubstantial clouds of thought that arise in meditation. I could step aside and blend and not be devastated by the atemi. And I could watch time slow down, noticing the hole exposed in me by the atemi, noticing with appreciation the skill that Sensei used in delivering it and knowing that I was a worthy student, ready today for this lesson. I took one mental step, settled myself, took a breath and prepared myself for what was about to come next.

In teaching and demonstrating, I felt incompetent and awkward. I did not show all that I know and I clearly showed what I did not yet really know. Again, the temptation was to hold myself to a higher standard than I am at and to get down on myself for my not knowing and to want to resist and insist that I really do know it – even when my body gives another more clear message. But I have the choice of embodying a learner and of being patient with myself. I am recognizing that such patience is only possible when I recognize all that I have learned and when I trust that I will continue learning. Learning is my birthright and my life purpose. I will continue learning and I don’t need fight to make it happen. Learning, for me, is a process of relaxing and letting go and accepting. For someone else it might need to take the form of pushing and being strong but that is not the lesson that life wants me to learn.

I left the dojo tonight with my head high, my heart open and a smile on my face. I felt the life energy in me even as I recognized all the potential for falling (when fall, roll) into old patterns of inadequacy and self-judgment. But I realized that I had passed a test and demonstrated a skill that I have imagined and desired and which has often been lacking. Tonight I was surprised and so grateful to realize that the practices have paid off and that I have learned at least another level of skill. Life has bigger tests ahead for me, I know. And I know that my skill is still developing and that I have a long way to go and so many more skills to learn. But I will never return fully to the place of skilllessness. I will always have the gift of tonight’s lesson and test. I am so grateful!

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